April Ablutions

Josh Kaplan
4 min readApr 1, 2021


Happy April 1st and opening day in the MLB y’all! This is the first year in a long time the whole MLB is opening up on the same day, every team (minus weather delayed teams) are going to play today, and wouldn’t it be great if it were all just an April fools joke and they didn’t play till tomorrow? I know a major corporation would have a hard time doing that but I think it would be hilarious, plus its April baseball, who gives a fuck if its delayed by a day. We went 3–5 yesterday with 1 game postponed bringing us down to 314–314, apparently, we like pi. The Spurs once again fucked us, if ive said it once ive said it a thousand times, fuck the spurs. The Jazz also cashed a double loser for us, so if you hate them like I do, fuck the Jazz too. We need a winning day here but no one watches baseball (especially right now) so who knows how the picks are going to go and since its opening day we are mostly baseball today! The only hope I have is that Sarah picked our only double winner last night in a sport that not only does she not watch, id bet that she has no idea where the NHL Jets play, so I hope that type of mojo rubs off on to today’s pickers, god speed.

MLB picks — For opening day I mostly picked teams that were close in odds, we might through run spread on in the future.

Twins -105 vs Brewers -105 o/u 7.5- Lauren is here for this one because she was going to pick the Sox/Orioles game but they are postponed. Even though neither one of us knows a thing about these teams and im not even 100% sure who the opening day starters are, Lauren has decided to go with the Twins and the under here folks. I know a few sets of twins and I know A LOT of brewers and im pretty sure I like the twins more. Brewers often give you free beer and I still like the twins in my life more than them, and im not even talking about hot twins, im talkin just regular every day twins, maybe i dont like brewers? Go Twins.

Mets -150 vs Nationals +130 o/u 6.5 — This one is mine and I am taking the Mets with the under. I have no idea if the Mets are going to be good after signing Lindor to a 10 year 340 million deal but what I do know is Degrom and Scherzer are great pitchers and 6.5 is a lot of runs. Plus fuck the nationals, I don’t know why but Washington teams are kind of like philly teams to me, I just hate them for some reason. Maybe im just jealous they won a world series after letting their best player walk because ours (Boston) left last year and then we finished like 4th to last. Is a team name like the nationals going to become problematic in the near future? Like how soon before liberal yahoos say nationals are white nationalists and the name has to go? Go Mets, go under.

Astros +100 vs Athletics -110 o/u 8- Ross is here for our last MLB game of the day because Ross responds to texts promptly and has good mojo on picking games. I was thinking about why you have good mojo for picks Ross (picks Ross might be your new nickname, picks ross AKA Rick Ross) and I have to assume its because you have such shitty fortune with the teams you actually like so the gambling gods give you a break on teams you don’t really watch. Ross decided to go with the Athletics because “they arent cheater cheater pumpkin eaters” and the over because baseball is boring as fuck when its low scoring. Ross those are perfect answers that the gambling gods probably like, good luck bud. Go As.

Warriors vs Heat -2.5 o/u 219– Denis is here for some NBA action and says Steph Curry is back so take the points and lets go over. Solid bet Denis, the heat are very much up and down, I have no idea if Dipo is going to play and any time you can get Curry + a few points I feel like you should take it. Also as im writing this Denis’s favorite college coach, Roy Williams, just retired so if my logic with Ross stands (his favorite teams suck so the gamble gods show him mercy) maybe that will rub off a little on Denis here. GO WARRIORS!

Penguins +105 vs Bruins -130 o/u 5.5 — Andy is here for this one and has decided to go with the Bruins and over 5.5 goals. I like the over Andy because every game ive seen the Bruins in recently that is low scoring they are also losing so the only chance they have at winning is to go over. I cant tell if im a pessimist or if the Boston teams just suck right now, the Celtics and bruins need to get their shit together and start winning some games, a lot of games! Hopefully the Sox come back tomorrow and put the winning ways back into Boston sports. Go Bruins for now.

Twins -105 under 7.5

Mets -150 under 6.5

Athletics -110 over 8

Warriors +2.5 over 219

Bruins -130 over 5.5

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Josh Kaplan

Will write for food. Not Serious but sorta serious